Sunday, 6 October 2013

I'm not gone

Hi there internet dwellers

I'm sorry I haven't been so active lately. I haven't been so flash. 

I have been going through these phases of utter depression. But this time, my depression took my self esteem to a low. Possibly the lowest it has been at in a long time. And let me tell you all something, when your self esteem reaches its lowest of lows you don't just stand up and move on with your life. You feel like you can't move. It affects you in almost everything you do.
During the last 3 weeks I have had so many close moments. I have hidden everything and anything that I could have used to cause myself harm. I was not in a what people like to call a 'good place'. 
I ask you internet dwellers, what is a 'good place'? During those weeks the only 'good place' I could think of was the other side, heaven, or even hell. Anywhere was better that the place I was in then. The moods, the feelings, the voices, they were taking over. I couldn't control myself. I was letting the darkness consume me and my pain. I just wanted to leave.

I know, people keep saying to not give in, that I have PLENTY to live for. That my life isn't that bad, think of the children in poverty stricken countries or the kids with no parents, people who can't afford the cost of the standard human life. People who can't even keep a roof over their head, or hold a job. 
Telling me these things makes me feel bad and selfish. I am consuming things that could be put to better use. I'm eating too much food, I'm living a life which isn't available to more than half of the world!

I don't know where I'm going with this. But I think my phase is ending, or I hope it will. I spent the last two weeks of school feeling miserable. I don't know what I expected, but it hurt to know that none of my friend noticed me close off, stop joining in the conversations at lunch, pull away from them. I felt insecure around them. When I did speak, I was almost begging for their approval, trying to make myself feel like I was fitting in with this circle of friends. Who even knows if they really accept me?
My school persona is not me. I different around people who might become my friends. I act happy. Well I try to. I think I just come off as annoying. The group, they talk about the annoying people who hang around the outside of the group. I feel like I'm one of them. I don't even know if I have a best friend any more. I don't think I've ever had one of them. Maybe in year 3, but they made new friends, and I was left to pick up the pieces of out broken friendship and try to mend it before I lose it forever.
I guess there are more people out there who feel like this as well. I hope so.

i guess thats it. 

Tata for now my lovelies 

Love always,


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